Back to School… again…

This time of year brings up a lot for me, personally. 

From student to teacher to mom - August has always been a month with a lot of anticipatory anxiety. 

As soon as my daughter turned 5, August and that anticipatory anxiety took on a whole new meaning. It was Back to School. FOR HER! And I wasn't ready for it. 

If I'm being honest, I always knew I wouldn't be ready for her to start school. I loved being with her. She had only ever attended a half day program (which she LOVED or I wouldn't have even sent her anywhere). And I knew I wouldn’t be emotionally ready for her to leave. But I had no idea how NOT ready I would feel.

I knew what Kindergarten held. Especially for her. 

I taught for years. I love teachers. Like. Freaking LOVE teachers. They're my people - my family - my friends - my coworkers - my heroes - my self. 

But I also know schools. Like. Freaking KNOW schools. They’re my home away from home. And I knew that the (full day) kindergarten classroom my sweet, curious, highly sensitive daughter was about to walk into was not what any of us wanted or needed. The school (and system if we’re being honest) was about to crush her curiosity; suck her spirit; and (try to) uniform her uniqueness.

But that's what everyone does, right? They send their kids to Kindergarten. 

So we got the backpack. And the labels. And the lunch bag. And snack bag. (because they had to be packed separately. I mean. God forbid they eat their lunch at snacktime?! The school was particularly strict on that - which maybe should have been my millionth clue?)

We did the ‘first day of school’ photos. I forced a smile - because I wanted it to go well; I forced back tears - because I knew it wouldn’t.

• So why did I even do it?

  • I still ask myself that question to this day. 

• Do I regret it?

  • I honestly can’t say.

I try to live without regrets. And without that experience, would Elements Academy exist? Probably not. And since it's the most magical thing in my life (and my kids’ lives) in a lot of ways, I'm thankful for that experience. Do I wish my daughter didn’t have to go through that in order for me to see what was so clearly scripted for us? Sure. But like my dad always says, “It is what it is.” We live. We learn. We do better next time.

So my advice, parents - LISTEN TO YOUR GUT - preferably when it whispers; not when it screams.

By the way - it's not that my daughter was deeply traumatized (although I know many parents whose children actually were). But she was deeply impacted. Even years later she’s still unlocking memories and randomly tells me things for asks questions from Kindergarten  (in case I didn't mention - she was only there for 5 weeks before we pulled her out)

Kids are resilient. Yes. And so are we.

But I keep going back to this: What’s the benefit of listening to our gut? And what’s the risk we take when we don’t?