Why do they listen to you?
For years I've been hearing:
Why do they listen to you? (and not me)
Why do they do what you ask them to?
I’ve asked them to ___ a million times and they don’t do it until you say it.
I’m not a compliance based person (as a teacher or parent). No one should do anything just because I say so. But the truth is, kids do listen to me.
So… WHY?! (and how do you get them to listen to YOU?!)
Short answer: CONNECTION
Longer answer:
Without an authentic connection, you will do something that someone asks / demands only out of obligation, fear, or compliance.
With an authentic connection, you will do something that someone asks for any reason or no reason at all.
The more deeply connected you are, the better you know how to ask, when to ask, and how to be grateful. And those three ways of being deeply, authentically connected will help your kids listen to you and do what you ask.
HOW TO ASK: Different kids need (and prefer) different styles of requests. Some kids are great auditory processors and have great memories - you can give them a direction and they can (and do) follow it. (This is the exception, btw). Most kids require reminders, visuals, and checklists as supports. I mean, don’t we as adults, too? I don’t know about you, but if I forget my grocery list at home, there’s no way I’m remembering everything. I even forget by the time I get upstairs what I even went up there for. So next time you need or want your child to do something, think about what kind of support they might need in order to do it.
WHEN TO ASK: For most of us, amidst conflict is not the best time to ask. Sounds logical, right? But most likely, the last time you watched your kid spill their water you probably said, “Remember when I asked you to move your water and be careful?” or you watched them trip over their toys only to say, “Remember when I asked you to clean those toys up?” I know - we all do it. But guess what? When their clothes are wet or their toe is stubbed is not the time they’ll be most receptive to receiving a request to be more careful, more clean, or more kind. It’s somewhat counterintuitive, but timing is SUPER important to connection AND to your kids listening to you. So next time something happens that makes you want to say, “I told you so!” instead, take a deep breath, and make a mental note to talk to them about it later. (It will be WAY worth it! Promise!)
HOW TO SHOW GRATITUDE: This sets the scene for the next time (which is super important, because when have you ever wanted to do something for someone who doesn’t appreciate it?!) But here’s the thing - just saying, ‘thank you’ can have about as much impact as just saying, ‘sorry’ (AKA - very little). So we have to be aware of HOW we’re showing gratitude. What’s your child’s love language? How do they want to be shown that you appreciate them? Did they hear you when you said it? And do they believe you? (My husband will be so mad I’m writing this, but it’s true - TRICKS DON’T BUILD TRUST) Tricking our kids into doing anything will not get the long term authentic connection. It might get you the result you want now… but trust me, it won’t last.
What I’m talking about with authentic connection will last a lifetime - and it’ll just keep getting better and better.
So next time you want or need something from your kids, consider how and when you ask, and how you show gratitude if they do it. You’ll feel more deeply connected. And you’ll get more of the results you want. It’s a win-win, right?!
WANT MORE OF THIS?! Grab the CONNECTED COURSE to learn how to make tiny shifts that will give BIG results.