Parenting Without Punishment Vol. X
Your weekly resource for raising children with compassion, curiosity, and connection (not consequences, coercion, and control)
Beneficial for ALL children - VITAL for highly sensitive children
Volume X: power struggles with toothbrushing and beyond
✨ Ready for this week?! Let's dive in! 👇
❤️ Q&A- questions from you, answers for you
(I’ve moved this section to the top so it becomes the heart of each issue. By centering everything—resources, at home strategies, and mindfulness invitations—around your question, it ensures that this newsletter stays focused on what matters most: you and your parenting journey.) Your questions are what shape this space. If you’re wondering about something, chances are millions of other parentsare, too. So keep them coming! I write this for you.
QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
My 4-year-old refuses to brush their teeth before bed. The whole bedtime routine is a struggle, but toothbrushing is the worst. They scream, cry, and flat-out refuse. And even though I don’t want to, I end up yelling right back. I hear myself making threats—telling them their teeth will fall out, warning them about cavities, saying I’ll take away bedtime stories. Sometimes, I even try to bribe them with stickers or treats. But nothing actually works, and honestly, it just doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to parent this way. I don’t want to reward or punish them for something they just need to do. And I’m not normally a yeller—but this just pushes all my buttons. What do I do?!
ANSWER:
First, you’re not alone. This is such a common struggle! Toothbrushing can feel like an interruption, a sensory challenge, or just plain boring to a young child—so resistance is totally normal. And when we're exhausted at the end of the day, it’s easy to slip into threats, bribes, or yelling. The good news? There’s another way!
I’m breaking this up into steps to help it feel more manageable, but obviously find your own groove with this. PWP is about empowering you to find your style and find what your child’s unique needs are. These steps are just a starting point - because I know when you’re overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed, and spiraling, you need some grounding. So here we go:
Step 1: Connect Before You Correct (remember this from the poster I shared in Vol VII?)
If bedtime in general is a battle, your child might be resisting more than just toothbrushing—they may be craving connection, control, or play. Before jumping into the routine, try:
A few minutes of undivided attention (cuddling, a silly game, or a bedtime story first)
Letting them make choices (“Do you want to brush before or after we put on pajamas?”)
Making it fun! (“Let’s see if we can make your teeth sparkle like a unicorn!”)
Step 2: Do it together!
Instead of saying "You have to brush your teeth," try:
“Let’s take care of your teeth together! Want to brush mine first, or should I brush yours?”
“Your teeth worked so hard today! Let’s give them a little love before bed.”
“Want to watch that brushing video and do what they do?”
Letting kids feel like they are part of the process, not being forced into it, helps reduce resistance. And also, if they’re looking for more connection, you’re giving it to them! Win-win.
Step 3: Use Natural Consequences Instead of Threats and Bribes
Instead of threats (“Your teeth will fall out!”) or bribes (“You get a sticker if you brush!”), try natural consequences:
“Brushing keeps your mouth feeling fresh. If we don’t brush, it might feel sticky or icky.”
“If we skip brushing, we might have to visit the dentist more often, and that can be uncomfortable.”
The key is not to make it scary or shaming, but just factual! And the key is delivering this in a neutral factual way - not emotionally charged. Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. And you’re trying to build TRUST. And (like I always say to my husband who’s rolling his eyes right now if he’s reading this 😜 ) TRICKS DON’T BUILD TRUST.
Step 4: Stay Calm & Consistent
Some nights will still be hard, but if you hold firm without power struggles, your child will eventually learn that brushing is just part of the routine. If they push back, stay calm:
“I hear you. You don’t feel like brushing. That makes sense, you’re tired! But our teeth need us, so let’s do it together.”
“I won’t force you, but we do need to brush. Do you want to do it now, or after a hug? Or would you like me to brush for you?”
When you shift from a battle to a collaboration, bedtime becomes a lot smoother—and your child learns to take care of their teeth without threats or rewards.
📚 Resource Review
We’ve tried a few toothbrushing videos with my kids, and honestly, their effectiveness depends on the day — mood, personality, and all. But Brushing with Budd has remained the clear winner in our house.
Just last week, my daughter had a dentist visit, and they couldn’t believe how clean her teeth were—even in those tricky, hard-to-reach spots. As much as I’d love to take credit, I can only claim two things: helping her build a positive relationship with brushing and marrying into good dental genetics (because she definitely didn’t get that from me!).
So what makes Brushing with Budd the winner?
It breaks down the different types of teeth and why they all matter. (for those with curious kiddos, this gives them answers to why our teeth matter!)
It makes brushing fun and engaging (seriously, “sweep the crunchers” will stick with you!).
It actually helps kids brush thoroughly—not just go through the motions.
If Budd’s not your favorite, that’s ok. My son likes Brushing with Blippi and the Crest video, and there are many more options out there. For my daughter, Budd has been a life-saver. (Or, I guess, a tooth-saver 😜)
🎬 Try it out!
Try out the 4-step process with any power struggle!
Connect – Start by acknowledging their feelings and helping them feel understood
Team Effort – Work together - offer choices, make it fun, or doing the task alongside them - it’s better together. (Sometimes what they’re seeking most in a power struggle is connection and company)
Natural (& Factual) Consequences – Help them understand the real-world impact of their choices.
Stay Calm & Consistent – The more you model calm confidence, the more they’ll absorb it. Boundaries are held best when they’re delivered with kindness and certainty.
If toothbrushing isn’t your struggle, try this process with any other power struggles you may have:
Leaving a fun place
Getting dressed in the morning
Putting on shoes
Mealtime challenges
Need more specifics? Just ask! We’d love to feature your question (always anonymously) in an upcoming PWP issue.
🪷 Guided meditation
This weeks Mindful Invitation will help you ground, which is single-handedly my most valuable tool for staying consistent and calm. We talked about the 4-step process this week to dealing with power struggles, but the reality is, it’s not just about what you do - it’s how you do it. Being grounded helps you take action with consistency and calm - with integrity and purpose - with peace. I hope it helps!
If you have a parenting question you want me to answer, ask!
And I’m always here to hear what you think of this PWP journey - email me any time! heather@elementsacademy.org