Parenting Without Punishment Vol. XIV
Your weekly resource for raising children with compassion, curiosity, and connection (not consequences, coercion, and control)
Beneficial for ALL children - VITAL for highly sensitive children
Volume XIV: surviving (and thriving) middle schoolers
✨ Ready for this week?! Let's dive in! 👇
❤️ Q&A- questions from you, answers for you
QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
Q: "My middle schooler has gotten so snarky. It seems like all of a sudden, they just hate me. They roll their eyes, ignore me, and act like everything I say is ridiculous. (But then ask me to make them food, do their laundry, and clean up after them) What happened to my sweet kid?!"
A:
First—the default answer and still 100% true:
This is totally normal.
Eye-rolling, door slamming, stomping, and voice tone are some of the many (many) ways tweens and teens start asserting their independence. And your sweet kid? Still very much there. (You might even catch a glimpse of them again seconds later.)
I say this with love and deep personal experience. I used to roll my eyes so much as a kid that I can still picture myself opening the fridge just to hide it. My dad would say, “I know you’re rolling your eyes even if I can’t see them.” 😅
Fast forward to adulthood, and… let’s just say the tradition lives on. I roll my eyes at my husband so often (he lovingly calls out, “Roll ‘em up!” when he sees it coming) that my sister actually worked it into our wedding ceremony.
So — what do you do when your kid acts like they hate you?
First, think about what’s actually going on:
In their brain: The prefrontal cortex (responsible for reasoning and impulse control) is still under construction, while the limbic system (emotions!) is in overdrive.
In their body: They're going through huge physical changes—growth spurts, shifting sleep cycles, surging hormones—and their nervous system is still learning how to regulate all that new input. It’s a lot.
In their soul: They’re trying to figure out who they are in this new stage—where you end and they begin. And sometimes that comes with big feelings.
That combo = adolescence. And as hard as it can be, all of it is on purpose.
So now that you know what’s happening, here are some tips to ride the wave:
Remind yourself: This is development, not defiance.
Don’t take it personally: Even when it feels like they’re trying to push you away, it’s not about you.
Keep calm and carry on: Whether that means staying light and playful or choosing silence over sarcasm—whatever your version of “you doing you.”
Most of all: Remember, your job isn’t to eliminate the eye rolls. It’s to show your child that all parts of them—even the ones testing boundaries and practicing independence a little clumsily—are welcome.
You’ve got this. And remember - all those moments of connection you’ve had for years and years don’t disappear. They’re still there - even if they’re not at the forefront right now.
📚 Resource Review
Middle School Matters by Phyllis Fagell
This book is written by a school counselor who truly gets middle schoolers. Fagell shares exactly what tweens and early teens need from adults—and how to give it to them with warmth, structure, and respect.
One of the most powerful takeaways? Middle school is the training ground for identity, confidence, and belonging. When we prioritize connection over control, kids grow into themselves instead of away from us. (I mean, come on. It doesn’t get more Elements than that.)
If your middle schooler feels like a confusing, emotionally explosive, hormonal minefield you’re trying to navigate without a GPS — this book is for you.
Phyliss Fagell’s Middle School Matters is one of those books I wish every parent (and teacher!) would read. It covers 10 key skills kids need to thrive—like managing emotions, making good decisions, and forming healthy friendships. (Dare I say… all pretty difficult to do when school feels like prison. But I digress.)
What do I love most about it?
It’s compassionate, practical, and deeply respectful of kids at this age. It doesn’t treat them like problems to solve (because they’re not)—it sees them as whole humans in progress (because they are).
Whether they’re navigating friend drama or school refusal, or you’re just trying to understand why your once-chatty kid now communicates exclusively in grunts and dirty looks… this book can help.
Do I recommend it?
Yes. Absolutely. (I’m also reading her follow-up, Middle School Superpowers, and I’ll report back soon!)
A quick note:
There are two things to be aware of:
She sometimes writes from a fairly binary lens around gender and sexuality
The book assumes a traditional school environment and doesn't fully account for kids in alternative or progressive settings
That said—it’s still one of the most useful, respectful resources I’ve found for supporting middle schoolers. Highly recommend.
🎬 Try it out!
CONNECT THROUGH CHOICE
Middle schoolers are at an age where independence and choice matter more than ever. When emotions are running high, it’s important to offer connection in a way that feels right for them.
A lot of their inner turmoil comes from not feeling understood. (Yes, sometimes they’re projecting—but hey, hindsight is 20/20, right?)
So instead of telling them how to feel or what to do, let’s focus on seeing them and hearing them.
The next time your middle schooler is upset, try offering one of these gentle invitations:
“Would you like a hug, or would you like some space?”
“I can see you’re upset. Is there anything I can do to help right now?”
“Would you like to talk about what happened, or would you rather sit quietly for a bit?”
It might even help to remind them of something that has helped them in the past (last time you were upset, listening to music or journaling seemed helpful).
This kind of approach respects their emotional boundaries while still letting them know you’re there. It gives them the power to choose how they want to connect — and that choice can make all the difference in how they process big feelings. So remember - and this is the tricky part - it’s THEIR CHOICE. Which means you don’t attach to any outcome of what they choose or whether (or not) it ‘works.’
🪷 MINDFUL INVITATION
JUST PRESS PAUSE (even, and especially, when they’re pressing Fast Forward… at full volume…)
Middle schoolers are pros at pushing buttons — not always on purpose, but sometimes 😜
This week, try “The Power of the Pause.”
Before you react to sarcasm, shouting, or door slamming, take a deep breath. Inhale slowly, exhale fully, and silently say to yourself:
“They’re not giving me a hard time. They’re having a hard time.”
This simple pause gives you a moment to choose how you want to respond — with intention instead of instinct.
It shifts you from reactivity to regulation. And that’s the kind of modeling they need to see in real time — in real life (ideally, they can borrow it until they build it for themselves…)
Share with them what you’re doing (without expecting them to care).
“I’m pausing because I feel frustrated, and I don’t want to take it out on you.”
“I need a second to calm down before we talk more — can we take a little breather?”
⚠️ One gentle warning (because this is hard stuff — and it triggers our inner teen): Don’t join them in the drama.
It’s so easy to match their tone or escalate without meaning to or even realizing we are. But when we react that way, we accidentally teach them that drama is the only way to be heard.
Instead, be the steady presence. Be the adult.
That doesn’t mean you can’t feel frustrated — it means you’re modeling what it looks like to handle that frustration with love and skill.
If you have a parenting question you want me to answer, ask!
And I’m always here to hear what you think of this PWP journey - email me any time! heather@elementsacademy.org or Schedule a call if I can help - I promise, it's all totally doable