Parenting Without Punishment Vol. XIII
Your weekly resource for raising children with compassion, curiosity, and connection (not consequences, coercion, and control)
Beneficial for ALL children - VITAL for highly sensitive children
Volume XIII: lying — the ugly truth
✨ Ready for this week?! Let's dive in! 👇
❤️ Q&A- questions from you, answers for you
QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
Question:
Sooo... what do I do about lying (for an older elementary child)?!
When my kid was 4 or 5, they went through a little lying phase—nothing major, and I was with them most of the time anyway, so it wasn’t a big deal. They figured out pretty fast that lying didn’t really work for them, I figured it was pretty developmentally appropriate, and it passed. But now they’re almost 9, and recently, I’ve caught them in a couple lies. Nothing major really, but what are they, like, gateway lies?! What do I do?! How do I trust them? And how do I call them on it to let them know I know they’re lying without making them scared to tell me the truth next time?
Answer:
Lying is so natural — and so triggering, right? It’s one of those behaviors that can send our minds spinning:
😤 How dare they!
😱 Do they think I’m stupid?!
😢 Why don’t they trust me?!
😬 What else are they lying about?!
Here’s the good news:
Lying at this age is completely developmentally normal. It’s often a way kids try to protect themselves — from consequences, conflict, or even just disappointing us. It’s usually not about being deceptive or manipulative. It’s about autonomy, self-preservation, and testing the waters of social relationships.
So your 9-year-old lied, and you caught them. Now you get to choose how to respond — not react.
When you know they’re lying:
🔍 Stay curious, not accusatory. “Can you help me understand what happened?”
🌀 Give them an out. “If you want to take a minute and change your story, that’s always okay.”
🤝 Talk about trust as something you both build. “I really want you to feel comfortable telling me the truth. That’s something we build together — is there anything I can do to help you feel more comfortable talking with me?”
To help prevent lying moving forward:
✨ Get comfortable with uncomfortable conversations
✨ Explore how they like to communicate — in the moment, scheduled talks, texting, writing notes, etc.
✨ Keep reminding them (often!) that they are deeply loved, no matter what — and they can tell you anything.
📚 Resource Review
Resource Review: Why Kids Lie & How to Respond, Video from Hand in Hand Parenting
There are lots of great resources out there about toddlers and young kids lying (which are totally valid and helpful!) — but what about when lying shows up later?
This video from Hand in Hand Parenting is a gem. It’s a Facebook Live that focuses specifically on older kids — think ages 9–15 — and the kinds of lies they tell trusted adults.
It covers:
✅ Why kids lie (especially as they get older)
✅ How to stay calm and connected in the moment
✅ Practical ways to give kids an “out” so they can come back to the truth without shame or fear
✅ Real-life examples that will make you feel way less alone
It’s less than 30 minutes long — perfect for folding laundry, commuting, or taking a walk. It’s a video, but you don’t really need to watch it — listening is more than enough.
🎬 Try it out!
A cozy safe space
Most lying, at its core, comes from discomfort — kids trying to avoid conflict, shame, or scary reactions. So what if we flipped the script and created a safe, cozy environment where hard truths are actually welcome? And a place where they KNOW anything and everything is safe and protected. You won’t use what’s said there against them later; you won’t run and tell their sibling; you won’t stop loving them.
This week, try setting up a designated spot in your home just for this purpose: a comfy, private place where your child can share about anything hard — without fear of punishment, shame, or judgement.
You’ll need:
🪑 A comfy chair or cozy corner
🧸 Soft pillow, blanket, or stuffies for comfort
🖐️ Fidgets or small toys to keep hands and eyes busy (eye contact during tough talks can feel intense!)
🎨 A handmade sign or drawing — maybe made together — that says something like “Our Cozy Safe Space”
How it works:
🌱 Talk with your child ahead of time:
🪑 Sit with them in the space the first time to model how it works.
⏸️ When they come to the space — or ask you to — pause what you’re doing. Center connection. And most of all - LISTEN.
Why it works:
This creates an ongoing practice of emotional safety and honesty — not a one-time “good job for telling the truth” moment. It helps your child feel safe bringing hard things to you, and reinforces the idea that they can trust you with their truth, no matter how messy.
OPTIONAL: Have a jar of difficult questions or conversations so you can practice going to the space and pulling out a conversation starter!
🪷 MINDFUL INVITATION
Try this together in your new ‘Cozy Safe Space’
Sit side by side
Place one hand on your heart, one on your belly.
Take three slow breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth.
With each exhale, quietly say to yourself:
“I can tell the truth.”
“I can hear the truth.”
“We are safe.”
“We are loved.”
This simple breath practice helps anchor both of you in the present moment, reminding you that discomfort doesn’t have to feel like danger — it can feel like connection.
If you have a parenting question you want me to answer, ask!
And I’m always here to hear what you think of this PWP journey - email me any time! heather@elementsacademy.org