Parenting Without Punishment Vol. XII
Your weekly resource for raising children with compassion, curiosity, and connection (not consequences, coercion, and control)
Beneficial for ALL children - VITAL for highly sensitive children
Volume XII: school avoidance already?!
✨ Ready for this week?! Let's dive in! 👇
❤️ Q&A- questions from you, answers for you
QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
Question: My kindergartener used to be excited to go to school, but now every morning feels like a battle. They cry, cling to me, and say they don’t want to go — their head hurts, their tummy doesn’t feel good, the list goes on and on. I was prepared for school avoidance in their teenage years, but they’re only 6 years old! I hoped it was just a phase, but it’s been going on for weeks now (or maybe even months?!), and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to bribe them with treats or force them into the car, but I also can’t let them stay home every day. How can I support them through this without using threats or rewards?
Answer:
First, know this: what you’re experiencing is incredibly common — and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with your child or with your parenting. (If anything, it might mean something’s not quite right with the school setting… but that’s a topic for another day.)
Avoiding or refusing school is complex and emotional — and while there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, there are ways to make mornings more manageable in the short term while building long-term resilience or making long-term adjustments.
Start by connecting before correcting or pushing. Try something like:
“You really wish you could stay home today. I get that — I love being home too.”
The goal here isn’t to change their mind about how they feel — it’s to show them that their feelings are safe with you. Once they feel seen and heard, you can offer a calm, loving boundary:
“School is part of our life and it’s important. As your parent, it’s my job to make sure you stay safe and healthy - school is part of that, so you do need to go. I’m on your team and I’m here to help you through it however I can.”
You might add a simple reason why school is important, but tune in to your child’s needs. Some kids (like my oldest) want the logic and feel soothed by understanding. Others (like my youngest) feel dismissed when I explain — they’d rather I just hold the space for their feelings. You know your child best.
Build predictability into your mornings. A visual routine or rhythm chart helps kids feel in control of what’s coming next — especially if some of the tasks involve connection (like brushing teeth side-by-side or packing lunch together). If possible, give them something to look forward to — a special goodbye handshake, a note in their pocket, or a silly song you sing as you walk out the door.
Keep transitions short, sweet, and predictable. And stay steady.
Your calm is their anchor — when their nervous system feels overwhelmed, they borrow yours to feel safe.
Reconnect after school — before asking questions or jumping into problem-solving. Try:
“I missed you today. I’m so glad we’re back together.”
This helps their nervous system settle again — and ends the day with the same warmth you started it with.
And remember — this is just the beginning of the support I can offer.
If your child is having a hard time once they’re at school (meltdowns, shutdowns, stomachaches, etc.), send me an email with a bit more detail — I’ll help you with the next step. (heather@elementsacademy.org)
📚 Resource Review
Resource Review: Unruffled Podcast by Janet Lansbury
This week’s resource review is a podcast by Janet Lansbury. I love her style of podcasting because she answers audience questions directly (which inspired me to do the same here!) Episode 244 of Unruffled is titled "Easing Our Children's Transition to School" and it addresses common challenges parents face during school drop-offs and offers respectful strategies to support children through this transition.
In this episode, Janet responds to emails from two families struggling with their children's school drop-off anxieties. She emphasizes the importance of:
Choosing a Trustworthy Program: “Your confidence level sets the tone” — Select a school that aligns with your values and where you feel confident leaving your child
Preparing Children Honestly: Providing specific details about what they can expect during their school day without sugarcoating or making unrealistic promises.
Establishing Predictable Routines: Creating consistent goodbye rituals to help children feel secure during transitions.
Welcome the Feelings: Allowing children to express their feelings about separation and reassuring them that it's okay to feel that way.
Janet really reiterates how much a parent's confidence and calm demeanor can significantly influence a child's ability to adapt to new experiences. We totally agree. If you feel good about where you’re taking your child to school, your confidence is contagious and school avoidance will likely be a phase.
🎬 Try it out!
Create a ‘Morning Rhythm Chart’ Together
Mornings can feel chaotic — but kids thrive on predictability. A rhythm chart turns the morning routine into a calm, shared flow rather than a power struggle.
Here’s how:
Sit with your child and draw or print out each step of your morning together. Use pictures, simple words, or emoji’s like:
☀️ Wake up
👕 Get dressed
🥣 Eat breakfast
🪥 Brush teeth
🎒 Pack backpack
💛 Special goodbye (hug, high-five, secret handshake)
(I use a magnetic dry erase board for ours to make it really replicable and flexible week after week)
Co-create it! Stickers, drawings, or glitter make it feel like theirs — feeling more connected to something and part of its creation makes it more meaningful and more likely to use.
Visual routines empower kids. They know what’s coming next and feel more capable — which means less resistance and more cooperation (without bribes, threats, or nagging).
🪷 MINDFUL INVITATION
Heart to heart
This weeks mindful invitation focuses on connection (I know, you’re sensing the theme?) If you can get even a brief moment of connection before their day, you’re setting their nervous system up for success. You’re literally rewiring the patterns in their brain and body helping them create (the trick is to do this without gaslighting them)
Start by saying:
“Let’s check in with our hearts. What’s your heart feeling today?”
They might say “happy,” “nervous,” “mad,” “wiggly,” or “I don’t know.” Whatever they say is welcome.
Then share your own:
“My heart feels a little sleepy today… and also hopeful.”
Take one deep breath together. Model counting an Inhale for 5 seconds, and an exhale for 5. Then do it one more time.
You can say:
“We’re connected, even when we’re apart. Your heart and my heart are always friends.”
This tiny moment of presence calms your child’s nervous system, models emotional awareness, and reminds them they’re not alone. Plus, it grounds you, too.
If you think your morning battles are rooted in a school mismatch, schedule a call to see if Elements Academy is the nurturing environment your child might need.
If you have a parenting question you want me to answer, ask!
And I’m always here to hear what you think of this PWP journey - email me any time! heather@elementsacademy.org