Parenting Without Punishment Vol. VII
Your weekly resource for raising children with compassion, curiosity, and connection (not consequences, coercion, and control)
Beneficial for ALL children - VITAL for highly sensitive children
Volume VII: The Building Blocks of Trust
✨ Ready for this week?! Let's dive in! 👇
📚 Resource Review
If you haven’t seen it yet, this is the digital poster I share with this group.
It’s yours, now!
Feel free to download, print it, share it, do whatever you’d like with it!
(Just give credit where credit is due, please)
These 5 ways are by no means exhaustive - there are millions of ways to parent without punishment - these are the 5 things I refer back to (almost daily) and it helps to have a visual reminder. I’m putting together a quick webinar that describes these in more detail, but they really can be interpreted to your own style. What does each one mean to you?
🎬 Try it out!
Choose just ONE of the five steps and see if you can implement that ONE thing at some point (don’t try for 24/7 - it’s not about going all in all at once - slow and steady)
For example - let’s say that for right now, I choose number 1️⃣, ‘Connect before you correct,’ it doesn’t mean I’m shaming myself for all the times I correct first, and it doesn’t mean I’m beating myself up for not focusing on the other four steps. It means I’ll notice when I’m correcting (here, do it this way) and try to connect first (or instead!)
Can you choose one? Which one feels most important right now?
🪷 Guided meditation
The mindful invitation this week is a favorite breathing exercise. I was taught this one years ago when I was struggling to fall asleep (even though I was exhausted!) and I still use it often. And you don't even need to listen to me to do it! So here it is:
BREATHE IN to the count of 4
HOLD for the count of 7
BREATHE OUT to the count of 8
It's the 4-7-8- breath and it helps calm the nervous system to be able to regulate more effectively. So - in times of stress (or needing to fall asleep) try the 4-7-8!
❤️ Q&A (ask any question, any time, right here)
Question of the week:
My child (age 10) is wanting to do more for themselves lately, like getting their own snack. But they make a mess and waste food and do it in a way that drives me crazy! But when I try to show them how to do it better, they get so upset and end up storming off (without even having eaten the snack). So, for example, the other day, they wanted strawberries. So I tried to remind them to wash them first (they rolled their eyes and said, “I knoooooooow”) but then they got water everywhere (the counter, the floor, the plate, their shirt) because they’re spraying the water like crazy! Then they go to cut the stems off the strawberries, and they’re cutting off half the strawberry! It’s a waste! (And strawberries are expensive!!) I’m glad they want to do more for themselves, but it’s more work cleaning up after them than if I just did it myself! Should I just do it myself? Should I keep trying to show them what to do even though they get mad? What do I do?!
Response:
Ok. I LOVE this question so much and I can kind of relate (my daughter’s 10 and we’ve had similar battles…) and we support MANY kids at school with finding their independence.
So to answer your question(s) - No. No. And here we go:
If you just do it yourself, they’re not learning how to do it. And they’re also learning that you think you can do it better. Which, maybe right now you can, because how many times have you cut strawberries?! Probably more times than them… so you’ve had more practice, right? So don’t just do it yourself. You don’t need more practice. They do. Step back and let them do it. They’ll never get practice if you keep doing it for them. (Unless they ask for help - then I have a different answer)
Don’t keep trying to show them how to do it if it’s making them mad, either. Then you’re creating a negative association/relationship with them trying to be independent, and showing them (again) that you can do it better. They probably know very well that you can do it better. But that doesn’t feel great to have it pointed out. Let them be.
And now what to do? Well. Is it possible to be curious about what’s really bothering you? And see if there’s wiggle room to pick your battles?
For example - maybe you can CONNECT first (ex: “I love that you want to cut your own strawberries! Want to cut some for me? You don’t have to, but I’d love some, too!”) - then CORRECT the thing that really bothers you if you can’t let it go (so if it’s the water that really bothers you, let them know why it bothers you: “hey ::insert name:: I’m worried about the water on the floor being slippery, can you wipe it up with this towel before you sit down?”) Then you’re giving one specific thing that bothers you, and WHY, and a solution that they can easily do. This makes a HUGE difference in their receptivity and ability to accept feedback (which is an incredibly important skill we want to grow - especially in that age group). It might take some time for them to warm back up, but it will happen.
If you have a parenting question you want me to answer, ask!
And I’m always here to hear what you think of this PWP journey - email me any time! heather@elementsacademy.org